So, NaNoWriMo is not going well for me, and I'm feeling a little discouraged. I'm not saying that because I need the encouragement you all would offer me if I did (because you're awesome), but more because I want to address an important question: What discourages us as we pursue our goals? (writing or otherwise)
Monday, day 1, I wrote 1,200 words, as I mentioned, and I'm resisting the urge to say ONLY 1,200 words because I can recognize that 1,200 is more than I've ever written before and I should be proud of myself for doing something I didn't think I could do. But then I got stuck. I mean really stuck, and I found that I wasn't a fan of where I was taking my characters. Or really, the characters themselves. They were nothing like they were in my head, and that was discouraging. Yesterday, I had a horrible headache and all I wanted to do was lie on the couch with Nathan and Shelby with my warmie on my head, which I did, but I felt like I was betraying writer Whitney and the goal that I had set for myself that night (two hours of writing). Betrayal=discouraged.
Monday, day 1, I wrote 1,200 words, as I mentioned, and I'm resisting the urge to say ONLY 1,200 words because I can recognize that 1,200 is more than I've ever written before and I should be proud of myself for doing something I didn't think I could do. But then I got stuck. I mean really stuck, and I found that I wasn't a fan of where I was taking my characters. Or really, the characters themselves. They were nothing like they were in my head, and that was discouraging. Yesterday, I had a horrible headache and all I wanted to do was lie on the couch with Nathan and Shelby with my warmie on my head, which I did, but I felt like I was betraying writer Whitney and the goal that I had set for myself that night (two hours of writing). Betrayal=discouraged.
Tonight, I don't think I'll have time to write because we're having a clean up the house night, which Nathan pointed out we needed and he's right. I don't think the house has recovered from the constant reorganization I've done since I've moved it. I've never actually completed the projects I've started, and our stuff from the wedding is still not where it logically makes sense. And that bothers me about as much as it bothers him. And we need to get Shelby a baby gate so she's not right next to the room with the broken furnace that could be leaking carbon monoxide. Dealing with real life=discouraged. I know that these sound like excuses (maybe because they are?), and that really, if I stayed up all night and wrote, I would have met my goal. But I don't think that would make me happy. In fact, I imagine I would be significantly unpleasant to deal with.
I look at all of the people who have written a published book, or even a not published book, or even a few chapters, and wonder how they did it. I mean, even people who aren't real can write books. So what makes these people different? Do they have personal assistants or clones to go to work for them, cook dinner and clean their houses, take care of their kids and pets, spend time with their significant others? Some might for all I know. But when I think about it, I think the real difference is that they are inspired by their ideas, inspired by what they want to write.
When I attended the literary seminar in Key West, I remember an author, I think it was Valerie Martin, who talked about how your characters should overtake your brain and almost become a second person living inside your head (I'm paraphrasing--that's definitely a combination of my memory of the talk from almost two years ago and my interpretation of what she actually said). And right now, I feel like my character is more like a baby who hasn't been born yet living inside my head--she's there, but doesn't have much to say. I'm not truly inspired to write her story yet, because she hasn't grown into someone whose story I want to tell. I can't even think of a name for her. And I could just start over with a completely different story, but I don't want to lose her. I still have the story in my head, I'm just not ready to write, because I'm not engrossed yet. And if I'm not engrossed, why should anyone else be?
I think circumstances also play a lot into feeling discouraged. I know that there is no time like the present to pursue your goals, but sometimes, the present IS a really inconvenient time to take on huge tasks. For example, when I think about the time I spent writing on Monday, it felt more like homework. I got distracted, I left a few times to go spend time with Nathan and Shelby because I missed them (I know, I know, they were only in the next room, but still). And my new sewing machine, still sitting in the box in the same spot it was when it was delivered, is taunting me. And so are the canisters I need to list on Etsy. So is the wedding closet that I desperately need to go through so I can find new homes for everything. My baby calendars are designed, but not printed and assembled. And even though these things seem like they should not distract me from my overall goal, write a novel, they do. Because it's almost as though those are things I'd rather be doing.
I look at all of the people who have written a published book, or even a not published book, or even a few chapters, and wonder how they did it. I mean, even people who aren't real can write books. So what makes these people different? Do they have personal assistants or clones to go to work for them, cook dinner and clean their houses, take care of their kids and pets, spend time with their significant others? Some might for all I know. But when I think about it, I think the real difference is that they are inspired by their ideas, inspired by what they want to write.
When I attended the literary seminar in Key West, I remember an author, I think it was Valerie Martin, who talked about how your characters should overtake your brain and almost become a second person living inside your head (I'm paraphrasing--that's definitely a combination of my memory of the talk from almost two years ago and my interpretation of what she actually said). And right now, I feel like my character is more like a baby who hasn't been born yet living inside my head--she's there, but doesn't have much to say. I'm not truly inspired to write her story yet, because she hasn't grown into someone whose story I want to tell. I can't even think of a name for her. And I could just start over with a completely different story, but I don't want to lose her. I still have the story in my head, I'm just not ready to write, because I'm not engrossed yet. And if I'm not engrossed, why should anyone else be?
I think circumstances also play a lot into feeling discouraged. I know that there is no time like the present to pursue your goals, but sometimes, the present IS a really inconvenient time to take on huge tasks. For example, when I think about the time I spent writing on Monday, it felt more like homework. I got distracted, I left a few times to go spend time with Nathan and Shelby because I missed them (I know, I know, they were only in the next room, but still). And my new sewing machine, still sitting in the box in the same spot it was when it was delivered, is taunting me. And so are the canisters I need to list on Etsy. So is the wedding closet that I desperately need to go through so I can find new homes for everything. My baby calendars are designed, but not printed and assembled. And even though these things seem like they should not distract me from my overall goal, write a novel, they do. Because it's almost as though those are things I'd rather be doing.
So, if I'm not feeling inspired, and the circumstances aren't right and I'm not working on my goal, of course I'm going to feel discouraged. But then when I think about it, why am I making myself feel guilty for not doing something I want to do by doing other things I want to do? I wear many hats in my life. (note: a lot of our IT articles talk about IT staff wearing many different hats and it cracks me up every time. And then today, I read this post that talked about wearing different hats in a very creative way.) What makes the writer hat more important than all of the other hats, just because it's the overall goal I want most? Maybe that's my answer, but I think that taking the time to be emotionally invested in what I'm writing is going to be more beneficial for me and lead to less discouragement. I'm sure there will be different kinds of discouragement when I am ready to write, also known as writer's block, but at least if I do some research and spend the time learning about what I want to write about, I'll feel better about it.
So that's my new goal for NaNoWriMo. I do still want to spend this month writing, even if it's not a novel. However, I will start taking the time for my novel, by researching and developing my characters and getting into the habit of writing, without forcing myself into something that I don't feel inspired by and just feeling discouraged. And to take the time that I need to be able to be happy doing that by finishing my other projects. Which I am sure I will be blogging about. I feel kind of discouraged by this decision, mostly because I do feel like I'm giving up on something I didn't even start. But I know that I'll be happier in the long run and more motivated and inspired when I decide I'm actually ready to write. Because I know that I will be able to when I'm ready. And you'll be the first to know.
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